Bigwigs Kick Racism Like a Football

With racism remaining a stubborn issue in football, authorities are on the case to make the sport family-friendly again.

The football world is reeling. With racist vitriol being spouted everywhere you look, pundits heckling from afar and social justice warriors up in arms – footballing authorities have been left in a bit of a pickle.

Melanin-bestowed footballers in particular, are being called a variety of derogatory names which has led to gross dissatisfaction about what people think and say about them.

Sporting authorities are shocked at how profusely fans are heckling ethnic minorities, with punitive measures such as fines and stadium bans clearly not making a blind bit of difference.

Monkey chants, projectile bananas, chocolate-milk mascots and even dingus pictures belonging to well-endowed black gentlemen have been weaponised and deployed against a raft of players in the UK and Europe.

However, a campaign is underway to halt the spread of racism in football with early success stories already trickling in.

Despondent BAME football player after hearing a barrage of mean words.

"The status quo is simply outrageous," says Paddy McGrew, a 30-something farmer and die-hard Chelsea fan from West London.

"Racism may be a problem but the anti-racism policy needs some fine-tuning. I went to see Chelsea play last week but as soon as I began to make farm animal noises, I was accused of being a racist and summarily thrown out of the stadium not long after kick-off. I love cows and hens so much and I own a pet monkey in Thailand but that doesn’t make me a racist. I want my money back!" exclaimed Mr McGrew. 

Paddy McGrew’s 10-year-old son Seamus was also embroiled in the incident.

"I ate a banana and threw the peel towards a bin, but unfortunately, I missed," says the despondent Seamus. “The peel was visually apprehended by a citizen of a racial minority, so I was in deep trouble,” said a teary-eyed Seamus.

"Before we knew it, my son and I were being questioned by Scotland Yard and I was being charged with inciting violence and conspiracy to commit a hate crime," said Mr McGrew.

Seamus McGraw, 10, forced to support an anti-racism PR campaign following the alleged incident.

The two McGrew males are now due to appear at Twickenham Crown Court next month with Mr McGrew Snr facing the prospect of losing custody of his son on the grounds of bad parenting, as well as, a possible custodial sentence for committing a premeditated racial hate crime.

“If parents cannot teach their kids to be respectful at all times, maybe social services can,” said Detective Superintendent Willey Bumble from Scotland Yard.

Rough and tumble

Hardcore Chelsea fan Rex Hooleypan, colloquially known as the “Chelsea Smiler” by his peers, explained that although racism is now in the media spotlight, it has, and always will, be an issue.

“Discrimination is what knuckleheads do. What do these namby-pamby pundits expect? For us to soften our knuckles? You must be havin’ a giraffe. Fat chance o’-dat,” said Hooleypan. "I've been comin’ to see Chelsea for over 20 years, man’n’boy. The thing I like most about going to the football is kicking some teeth in and showing the opposition my fisticuffs,” he explained.

"Me and the lads go out looking for a bit of a dust-up, before the game innit. And we give the other fans a right good 'ol kickin' to let 'em know we’re ‘ard. I ain't racist or nuffink but I do like giving visiting fans the ‘Chelsea Smile’ whenever they’re a bit naughty."

According to Hooleypan, the Chelsea Smile is a cultural tradition, and a calling card, given to opposing fans in the form of a credit card being inserted into a person’s mouth and then punched or curb-stomped (in order to leave the recipient with a permanent smile akin to The Joker from the Batman movies).

Rex Hooleypan aka the 'Chelsea Smiler', supports his beloved team during a recent football match.

"As long as I don't insult anyone verbally, I'll be awight. It's how many teeth you can knock-aaaht that really matters, you-kna-what-I-mean? This racism lark is a good distraction I gotta say. It keeps the attention off me’n’the lads when we’re out’n’about for a knockabout,” said Hooleypan.

With unscrupulous football hooligans on the march for more scalps and more broken jaws, those that open their mouths and shout racist abuse better watch out and keep their opinions on the down-low.

"We gotta teach ahh kids not to maaaf off in full view of the cameras innit. Instead, they gotta use their fists away from prying eyes to see who's harder," said Hooleypan.

"I take my kids to the game and they luv to get involved in dust ups, but you'll never see ‘em making any kind of animal noises or messin’ about with bananas, lemme tell ya. If they do, they won’t be smilin’ for long, I can promise ya.”

"I agree, it would be nice to kick racism out of football. It was a problem years back and it's still ‘ere. But as long as me-n-da lads can have a ding-dong every week while a few pansies keep the attention off us, with their racialism like – then I’m ‘appy,” explains Hooleypan.

Authoritarian crackdown

Football authorities such as the British Football Association (FA), UEFA and FIFA are on the case and determined to stamp out racism at football grounds worldwide.

"We will not tolerate racial discrimination,” declared FA spokesman Hugh Hippocras. “Producing animal noises and inappropriate banana-peel use is one of the worst problems in football, and I’m here to offer solutions," said Hippocras.

FA spokesman, Hugh Hippocras poses for a photo during a recent anti-racism promotional tour.

"Yes, there may be hundreds of thugs running amuck breaking jaws, damaging public transport, urinating in various nooks and crannies and extracting seats whenever the mood strikes – but that’s insignificant compared to people making monkey noises and using rude words to disturb player's concentration," says Hippocras.

"We have to solve the important problems in football and not waste time worrying about violent thuggery or the fact that the average ticket costs more than a package holiday. Racism must be kicked out of football – if we fail to stop people saying mean words, what does that say about our society as a whole?"

Given the sprawling problem in both English and European football, UEFA says it intends to introduce a variety of measures to reduce the prevalence of verbal abuse.

For starters, UEFA plans to install microphones beneath every seat, deploy a taskforce of lip-readers and plans to conduct lie-detector tests as fans leave stadiums.

According to a UEFA insider, fleets of drones will be deployed to watch out for fans saying mean words while crews of forensic accountants sift through the tills of local greengrocers, on the lookout for unusually large banana sales.

UEFA official tests avant-garde drone technology that locates and identifies mean word-reciters.

"Only by tackling racism head-on, can we clean up football and make it a friendly family atmosphere," said Mr Hippocras. 

"We intend to ensure everyone can watch a football match without experiencing verbal abuse. Physical wounds are temporary and can heal, but mean words can never be unheard and can cause pain for a lifetime,” he adds.

With football on course to become a respectable sport much like rugby, lawn bowls and field hockey, courtesy of the FA's "Kick Racism Out of Football" campaign, it won't be long until every black, white, Asian and Oriental player can play an entire match without hearing any mean words.

Game on.

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Written by George Tchetvertakov